Ultra Hike no.2 - An emotional post

I’ve just gotten home after Ultra Hike no.2 - a 50km hike round Windsor - and I’m feeling very conflicted about it all.

On the drive home, my mum happily asked me if I was proud of what I’d done and I couldn’t work out what my answer was. It should have been a resounding YES after getting across that finish line, still walking tall, but it all feels a little more complicated than that.

More on that in a moment, right now I want to tell you about the walk itself.

I went into this hike with a lot of enthusiasm - after all I do actually like hiking! Unfortunately I will say that this was not the most scenic of hikes, yes we took in Windsor Castle and many beautiful properties along the Thames Path, but honestly it was not the most visually interesting.

I’d put in place all the things I’d learned from my previous experiences, such as making sure I had funny podcasts and uplifting music ready for when the post halfway slump hits, having fresh socks to change into and blister plasters at the ready. I was also so lucky to meet an amazing couple of people within the first 30 minutes - Ty and Leonora kept me chatting and laughing for the whole first half, I was so gutted to wave goodbye to them after 25km.

This was a very different walk to the one I did in London. Whilst the ascent wasn’t drastic at just 320m (meaning it was a relatively flat hike), there was a lot more mud to contend with and my legs were doing a lot more work to keep me upright! By the time I entered the halfway rest stop, I was already questioning whether I would be capable of completing the course.

Stretching at the rest stops is really important and I found that after a refuel, a good stretch, some painkillers and some fresh socks I was good to head out again.

The third leg is the longest. We cover 17km instead of the usual 12.5km before hitting our third and final rest stop. This means that the final leg is just 8km but honestly it’s soul destroying trying to get to that final rest point. I had to cover my feet in blister plasters, get a sugary cup of tea down me, stretch some more and then push off into the setting sun for the final hurdle.

Those last 8km were excruciating. My feet were absolutely killing me, and in the darkness my stomach started to turn and my mind screamed at me that I couldn’t make it. With 3km left, I sat on a bench and messaged my friends and family about how much I was struggling, needing them to gee me up and keep me going - which of course they did.

My mum even came to meet me for the final kilometre and distracted me with conversation to get me across that finish line. I’m so grateful for that, I really needed to take my mind off my feet in order to keep going. She even told me afterwards that I finished that looking a lot stronger than I did crossing the line in London. A walk that had been 8km shorter. Brilliant news.

So, I completed a longer distance than I’ve ever hiked in one go and I’m down 2 out of 7 challenges. I’ve also felt stronger in my recovery from this walk than the previous ones. Why am I not certain whether I’m proud of myself?

I have just 27 days until I’m due to hike a continuous 106km. That’s more than double what I’ve just done and I almost crumpled completing this. How in heavens name do I prepare myself to go that far? Will I fail and bail before I finish it?

The blisters and swollen feet are the worst part of the pain in these hikes, how do I toughen up my feet? This isn’t even a case of building muscle (although I will continue to work on my strength).

I’m going to be hiking through the night, on this walk all I had to do was hike 5km (ish) in the dark and I thought I was going to be sick, my mind got the better of me and I almost fell apart. How do I get myself through a whole night?

And more than this, is it worth it? I’ve set myself an enormous fundraising goal and I’m nowhere near it. My mind questions whether this pain is worth it. It’s painfully obvious to me (excuse the pun) that, at this point, my charities would have made more if I’d put the money straight into them rather than the hiking boots, the challenges, the travel and the accommodation… This singular thought causes me a great deal of anxiety. I will be honest here and say that I have cried more than once about my feelings of guilt about this. Obviously the plan is to raise a lot more, but in this moment the feelings of failure are overwhelming.

I am so lucky to have such a supportive group of friends and family around me who have buoyed me up throughout these anxiety spirals and who have helped me to realise that my endeavours extend beyond the financial because I’m raising awareness in our local community (and I hope further afield) for the issues around underfunding in the Early Years sector - people have absolutely no idea of the scale of the problem. I’ve also been told that I’ve inspired some to take up their own physical challenge, or at least to focus on their health.

And underneath all this, I need to remember that I’m doing the challenges because I wanted to test my physical endurance. I decided to raise money as I was already doing the challenges, as an additional benefit.

I need to focus on what I’m achieving and not what I’ve failed to to achieve.

All I can do is go into the next one with the aim of completing it and see how far I get. It’ll be interesting to see whether I finish it.

It feels weird to say, at the end of post like this, but if you’d like to donate towards the fundraiser, you can do so through my GoFundMe link.

Thank you so much!