The Bizarre Aftermath of Ultra Hike no. 5

I’ve been putting off writing about my Peak District Ultra Hike. Even though I’m not “too busy” now… which was my excuse after the first few. But why am I still hesitant to write about my experiences?

I’m trying to garner support and fundraising for these ventures and yet I really cannot find the words to put down on paper about what has happened. So I thought, what better topic than to talk about what is holding me back.

So let’s clear it up - at the beginning of July I finally FINALLY managed to complete a full 100km Ultra Challenge. I should be bouncing off the walls with happiness and pride at what I’ve achieved and yet the emotions aren’t there. If anything I feel completely dissociated from the experience… as if it’s happened to someone else. In fact I think I’d be far more excited if one of my friends had done this rather than me. But as it is, I cannot put the two together, I simply cannot process that I have done it.

So I want to explore the emotions that I’ve felt following each of my walks because they feel so wildly different.

Ultra No.1 January - London 42km

I won’t go into too much detail here as I did a full blog post about London here, if you’d like to read more about it. But essentially after that walk I felt relatively uplifted because I coped so much better with it than I had with the 43km I’d attempted the week before.

I felt nervous about the future 100km hikes, but I felt that the upcoming 50km, a couple of months away, was doable. I was also plunging into my next semester of Uni and so my mind was occupied.

Ultra No.2 April - Windsor 50km

Now this is where the story gets a little more emotionally complex - at least in my eyes.

I again completed the full challenge. It was bloody tough - particularly the last 3km I have to say - but I did it. All I could think though was how terrifying the prospect of the 106km hike coming in May was.

In my mind all I could think about was how hard it was to get to the finish line on a 50km hike. And that hike was relatively flat compared to the upcoming ones which have much higher elevations to conquer. Again I’ve written about the hike in more detail here if you’d like to read it.

But what strikes me most, in that post, is the section where I talk about how my mum asked me if I was proud of myself and I genuinely couldn’t answer her.

Ultra No. 3 May - Isle of Wight 106km

Now this is where you may expect me to say that I was disappointed in myself because this is the first challenge I’ve taken on where I had to drop out part way round. I managed 83km of this 106km route. But not so.

I felt incredibly proud after this challenge. I’d walked further than I ever had before, I’d even walked through the night without feeling too sick. I only had to drop out because the blisters on my feet were so bad that I couldn’t take further steps - mentally, and with my muscle fatigue I could have carried on.

I actually felt excited about heading into the next one. The only reason I never made a full post on here about that walk is because there was so much going on at home. We’d unfortunately only just lost our beloved dog, Mia, and I was in the thick of end of year assignments for University, so I simply had no time to sit down and write about it. (Hopefully I will actually put my thoughts down soon).

If you follow me on Instagram you may have seen the hilarious video of me crying into my bacon sandwich at the point where I dropped out. I asked my husband to take that because even in the moment I genuinely found it hilarious that I couldn’t stop crying. BUT STILL, I felt really good coming out of that hike.

Ultra No.4 June - Lake District 100km

And here is where my mood and my emotions around these challenges reverts to a more negative one. I was lucky enough to have my amazing friend Tanya join me for this, I am so grateful to have friends who are willing to help me out in my insanity.

We were warned that this is one of the hardest Ultra’s offered by the Ultra Challenge company as a result of the difficult terrain and the ascents/descents you have to conquer. And boy were they right, if you’d like to hear about the walk, I wrote that hike up here.

After failing to complete the 106km on the Isle of Wight, I think I had it in my mind that I just needed one more crack at it and I’d do it. So when I had to pull out at 75km I was devastated. This time, I hadn’t made it to the next rest stop, I literally had to sit down at the side of the road just beyond the 75km marker and wait for my husband to find me. Wrapped in one of those bizarre tin foil things, trying not to cry in front of the Trek Master who was assisting me. As soon as I got in the car though, I cried my heart out. I was so disappointed in myself and felt so certain that I just wasn’t cut out to ever finish a full 100km challenge.

As I wrote in my post about this walk though. I was completely exhausted. To an extent that I have never experienced in my previous challenges. I couldn’t stand up straight, I was dizzy, felt sick, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. After a sleep I did start to feel better and to feel like I could strategise for the next one.

Initially I thought I might drop down to just a 50km for the next one and try to challenge myself to complete it faster than I’ve ever achieved 50km before but instead opted to split the hike over two days. That option has always been available to me, but previously I wasn’t fit enough to stop hiking at 50km and not seize up so badly that I would be able to carry on the day after.

Ultra No.5 July - Peak District 100km

Well clearly it worked. I split the hike over two days and I made it across the 100km finish line.

I’ve done it guys. I still have 2 more challenges to complete… but I’ve officially managed a full 100km hike.

Bizarrely no-one talks about the Peak District when listing the toughest Ultra Challenges but honestly, that terrain was tougher than the Lake District. The section that would have been my overnight section, if I were doing another continuous, was so treacherous that I fear for the people who did complete this as a continuous. It was hard enough in the day, and having had a sleep, let alone in the pitch black, in torch light and fully exhausted.

Anyway, I said this wasn’t a post about the hike itself and just the emotion, so I’ll leave talking about the terrain to another post. I returned home determined to write up the experience on here. It’s been on my to do list every single day since then.

I even have a post with two paragraphs drafted, but haven’t been able to bring myself to finish it off. I simply haven’t been able to process it. I’m now on my summer break from Uni - yes I have commitments and the kids are now on their break, but time is not truly an issue in me writing it up. It is 100% a mental block. Even the physical recovery was the easiest I’ve had so far, despite being the furthest I’ve ever walked.

All I seem to be able to say is that I wish I didn’t have any more to do. I wish that now I’d finished a 100km, I could say that I’ve done it and move on but I can’t as I have another 50km and a 100km left to tackle. And I think I feel a sense of guilt because I feel that way.

Now I’ve written that down, I think guilt is a big part of this. I feel guilty that I’m spending so much time doing this thing - it takes me away from my kids for long weekends (luckily they are coming with me for the next two!). Guilt because I haven’t managed to raise as much as I had hoped for my charities and I’ve run out of emotional energy to keep pushing and organising further fundraising activities.

“Emotional energy” - god this writing malarky is so cathartic. I have well and truly run out of emotional energy and I think that is a massive part of this challenge. Not only is there the physical challenge of endurance hiking, but the emotional challenge of a prolonged effort to raise money for something you are so passionate about, and struggling to keep going.

I just want to say that I am so incredibly grateful to everyone who has contributed to the fundraiser so far and if you have please please could you share it with those you know and help me reach my fundraising goals. Please help me to improve Pebbles for children with additional needs and support Pregnant Then Screwed in their attempts to improve the funding for Early Years settings in the UK.

You can donate via my Go Fund Me. You can purchase anything from my website (just click shop) and 100% of profits will go towards the fundraiser.

Thank you so much!